I am the Elf on the Shelf, Elf on the Shelf I am!

Hello everyone,

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You, my friend, are a just a weird creepy idea that I will not embrace.

Just like my despise of all things political on Facebook, I also despise the Elf on the shelf on the facebooks.  I never understood the idea that we are going to put a magical creature in our house to watch our children.  Isn’t it bad enough that the kids have to worry about being naughty or nice for Santa?  Now we throw in some special elf operative to watch their every move.  I also cannot stand the idea that parents have all this extra time to create these weird shenanigans with this elf on the shelf.  (I’m mostly jealous because I don’t have that time)  It was sort of funny in the beginning when people were rebelling or trying to be inventive.  Now it is just another annoyance on my Facebook feed.  I don’t like the elf on the shelf idea at all.  I don’t want my kids thinking big brother elf is always out there watching them in there homes, in their rooms, or on the potty.  That’s just creepy.  Once you commit to elf on the shelf then you have to do things with this elf every single night.  What if I forget?  I’m probably going to forget and then the whole Christmas lie comes crashing down around me.  Elf on the Shelf is really just another form of mission creep and I already have to much stuff to do during the holidays.  I’m not signing up for one more single thing.  So, here is my ode to elf on the shelf and all you people that keep pushing the elf agenda!

I am Mr. Elf
Mr. Elf I am

That Elf on the Shelf
That Elf on the Shelf!
I do not like
that Elf on the Shelf

Do you like
the Elf on the Shelf?

I do not like him,
Mr. Elf.
I do not like
him at all.

Would you like him
Here or there?

I would not like him
here or there.
I would not like him
anywhere.
I do not like
Elf on the Shelf.
I do not like him,
Mr. Elf.

Would you like him
in your house?
Would you like him
with a mouse?

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Poor, Poor Mini Mouse!

I do not like him
in my house.
I do not like him
sodomizing a mouse.
I do not like him
here or there.
I do not like him
anywhere.
I do not like Elf on the Shelf.
I do not like him, Mr. Elf.

Would you put him
in a box?
Would you put him
with a fox?

Not in a box.

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The Fox says, “Get the hell away from me you creepy bastard!”

Not with a fox.
Not in my house.
Not sodomizing a mouse.
I would not put him here or there.

I would not put him anywhere.
I would not do anything with Elf on the Shelf.
I do not like him, Mr. Elf.

Would you? Could you?
in a car?
Place him! Place him!
Here, near or far.

I would not,
could not,
near or far.

You may like him.
You will see.
You may like him
in a Christmas tree?

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Get out of my tree!

I would not, could not in my Christmas tree.
Not in a car! You let me be.
I do not like him in a box.
I do not like him with a fox
I do not like him in my house
I do not like him screwing a mouse
I do not like him here or there.
I do not like him anywhere.
I do not like Elf on the Shelf.
I do not like him, Mr. Elf.

A train! A train!
A train! A train!
Could you, would you
put him on a train?

elf-on-the-shelf-day-16-jog
Here is a train for you Elf!

Yes on a train! Get him away from me!
Not in a car! Mr. Elf! Let me be!
I would not, could not, in a box.
I could not, would not, with a fox.
I will not put him with a mouse
I will not put him in my house.
I will not place him here or there.
I will not put him anywhere.
I do not like him, Mr. Elf.

Say!
In the dark?
Here in the dark!
Would you, could you, in the dark?

I would not, could not,
in the dark.

Would you, could you,
in the rain?

I would, I should, leave him in the rain.
Not in the dark. Put him on a train,
Not in my car, Not on my Christmas tree.
I do not like Him, Mr. Elf, you see.
Not in my house. Not in a box.
Not screwing a mouse. Not with a fox.
I will not put him here or there.
I do not like him anywhere!

You do not like
Elf on the Shelf?

I do not
like him,
Mr. Elf.

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What is up with this guy and his special love with animals.

Could you, would you,
with a goat?

I would not,
could not.
with a goat!

Would you, could you,
on a boat?

I could not, would not, on a boat.
I will not, will not, put him on a poor goat.
I will put him out in the rain.
I will put him on a train.
Not in the dark! Not on my Christmas tree!
Not in a car! You let me be!
I do not like him in a box.
I do not like him with a fox.
I will not put him in my house.
I do not like him screwing a mouse.
I do not like him here or there.
I do not like him ANYWHERE!

I do not like
The Elf
on the Shelf!

I do not like him,
Mr. Elf.

You do not like him.
SO you say.
Try him! Try him!
And you may.
Try him and you may I say.

Mr. Elf!
If you don’t let me be,
I will burn him alive.
You will see.

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Just burn it all to the ground!

See!
I burned that Elf on the shelf!
I did! I burned him, Mr. Elf!
And I would burn him in a boat!
And I would burn him with a goat…
And I will burn him in the rain.
And in the dark. And on a train.
And in a car. But not on my Christmas tree.
Because he burns so good so good you see!

So I will burn him in a box.
And I will throw him burning at a fox.
And I will burn him in front of your house.
And I will burn him for that sodomized mouse .
And I will light him on fire here and there.
Say! I will light him ablaze ANYWHERE!

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Me and the Bumble have the same idea.

I do so hate
Elf on the Shelf!
Stop it!
Stop it,
Mr. Elf.

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