The Case of The Calorie Vampires

This kid is surely a calorie vampire.  Eating all of his parents calories.

Hello everyone,

I’m the kind of guy who likes to stay fit and healthy.  I do this by lifting weights in the gym, riding my bicycle, and teaching spin class.  I also like to track my calories on the app MyFitnessPal.  MyFitnessPal allows you to log and track all of your calories all the way down to your Macro Nutrients. This is a great way just to be cognizant of the calories you are eating to ensure you are getting enough food under heavy exercise days or not getting too much food on low exercise days.  For me, just being aware of the type and amount of calories I’m eating is enough to keep my body fat percentage down and muscle composition up.  Sometimes, I have a problem with these calculations.  There are these three little creatures running around my housing constantly consuming my calories.  They are the calorie vampires.

Another random internet kid who most likely is a calorie vampire.

I love my kids to pieces but boy do they attack me when I have food.  These kids are always checking me out for food and it doesn’t matter if they just ate 15 poptarts.  They are still coming after me when I have food in my hands.  I’ll give you an example.  We are finishing up breakfast.  I usually try to eat when the kids eat but sometimes I don’t eat until just after the kids eat.  Mostly due to the fact that I’m playing the role of Waiter, Cook, and Bus Boy all at the same time.  So, I finish up feeding the kids and grab a banana.  From across the room, nearly out of sight, I hear “DADDY, I WANT BANANA TOOOOOOO!”  “Damn it,” I mutter to myself because I know what has to happen next.  Here kid, here is half of my banana.  Then the next kid wants a banana and finally we are all walking around eating up to two or three bananas.  That 110 calorie banana just got vampired into who knows how many calories.  The same thing happens with the other types of food I like to eat.

This is a darn cute kid, but an obvious calorie vampire.

Another classic food that constantly gets vampired are my greek yogurts.  I love eating greek yogurts because they are great way of getting extra protein in my diet.  However, as soon as the calorie vampires see me eating yogurt, “DAAAAAD, I WANT SOME YOOOOGURRRT!”  “Damn it,” I mutter to myself.  Calorie vampires just reduced my 80 calorie yogurt to 50 calories.  They have also exposed me to a possible sickness in the future.  The reason I get exposed to a future sickness is mostly due to my pure laziness.  The kid comes up to me screaming for yogurt so I just take my spoon of yogurt and shove it in their mouth.  Oh well, I like to keep my immune system on its toes.  Now, I have started learning some tricks over the years to get the calorie vampires off my neck.

The kids hate the tuna mixture I make for a snack.  It is basically tuna in water drained, with 1% cottage cheese, a drop of BBQ sauce with a liberal application of Sriracha chili sauce.  I usually eat this with some low fat ritz crackers.  The kids can’t stand fish, so I can eat this wherever I please.  Matter of fact, shove that in their open baby bird like mouth and they will always need to look at the food first before ingesting it.  I have also tried to convince the kids that I’m eating spicy tuna when they ask what’s in my hands.  Sometimes it works, sometimes they call my bluff.

These are my three, and yes they look like unicorn ponies.  That’s just a disguise for this brood of calorie vampires.

The other strategy I’ve used is eating food in the closet.  That’s right, I’ve regressed into hiding in the closet, the bathroom, the laundry room, and the cold garage to get my calories in.  I cannot believe that the calorie vampires are controlling my life this much.  I cannot believe that I am a grown man hiding all over MY HOUSE because these little vampires are going to eat my food.  It ridiculous to think about me sharing space with winter coats in the coat closet while I’m rapidly ingesting a greek yogurt.  Ridiculous I say!  And, don’t even think about grabbing a bag of chips or anything that makes a loud noise.  Those calorie vampires have the best of hearing when it comes to foods they like.  You would think their hearing sucks because I have to say their names 5 or more times to get them to do something.  However, they here a bag of BBQ chips krinkle or crunkle in the slightest way; they’re on me like white on rice.  Talk about selective hearing.

I guess all of this could work in your favor if you are trying to lose weight.  You can contact me and I will set up an appointment for your own unique weight loss plan.  I’ll provide you a list of healthy foods that you can eat and then I will leave the calorie vampires at your house.  They will consume up to 50 percent of your calories before you know it.  Or, you will be eating greek yogurts like a fugitive in your own house surrounded by winter coats in the coat closet.  That’s how much I care about you and your new year’s weight loss plan.  I’m willing to let my kids stay at your house all day for free to help you lose weight and meet your goals.  I know, I know, I’m nearly a saint when it comes to helping other people.  Your welcome, and if you do take me up on my offer, I will be leaving your house telling you to “Embrace the suck buddy!”

At the end, I leave this here.  My kid trying to steal my most beloved of calories!




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