I am sitting here and trying to let my legs recover over these past few days. I recently embarked on a 9 day indoor cycling challenge called “The Tour of Sufferlandria.” These are videos produced by the sufferfest and really push you hard on the bike. As I sit and kick my heels up trying to recover my legs, the reality of being a dad to 3 little girls comes crashing into my groin as usual.
One of the workplace hazards of being a Dad is the amount of times I get my junk kicked, stepped on, smashed, head butted, and any other wild thing that was once unimaginable yet happening at the same time. I had no idea of this workplace hazard. I checked with Occupation Safety and Health Organization (OSHA) and I couldn’t find the references that applied to my situation. Sure, OSHA talks about eye and face protection, respiratory protection, and head/foot protection. However, I do not see the section on protecting my crotch from the daily assault of tiny feet and elbows. I feel OSHA has failed me, yet I’m not willing to call them and file a complaint. God forbid they start walking through my house looking for MSDS for my household cleaning supplies.
I guess this is one of the things we learn about as we become parents, much like we learn about the kids sucking the spontaneity out of our lives. Trying to just pick up a baby and a toddler without a plan or timeline, always ends in disaster. You sort of give up that spontaneity for a rigid structure of waking up and going to bed at the same time, eating at the same time, napping at the same time. We live a very structured life in order to reduce the hunger screaming, tired screaming, and just screaming in general. But, what about my junk!
I’m not willing to wear a sports cup all day. The second the kids accidentally hit the sports cup and the cup makes that knocking sound, it then becomes a game. No need to put any focus on my displeasure in getting stomped in the crotch. By the way, you should never let on with an “UMPHH” when the kids hit you in the man organ. They will honestly think it is some sort of game which will be immediately followed with another unsuspecting groin shot. Is there some sort of stay-at-home-dad tucking device? Women have sports bras, can I get something to smash my junk down or to the side and out of the way? Wait, that’s not going to work either.
I don’t know where I’m going with this. Do women have something similar happen to them around kids? Punches to the boobs or something like that? I guess as long as the kids are old enough to jump on me, there will be plenty more nut shots coming my way. I’ll get back to sitting on my couch and turning sideways as people are jumping on me. After this experience, I will never think that someone getting hit in the groin is funny; probably because I’ve developed groin shot PTSD. I see somebody who gets hit in the groin or I feel like I’m about to get hit in the groin may elicit a response of me rolling up in a ball, sucking my thumb, and saying “Please make it stop!”